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"Don't drink the water, and don't get AIDS."

Yup, that pretty much sums up The Real World Cancun so far. The quote, as spoken by Joey on last night's premiere episode, serves as the two major guidelines for what looks like a silly, silly season. I'll admit that my expectations coming into this season were beyond low — going to Cancun seemed like a horrid step backwards for a franchise that had seen revitalization in the more career-centric Hollywood and Brooklyn seasons. But if there's anything I should have remembered, it's that if my old employers Bunim-Murray know anything, it's how to do Cancun. Yes, I saw The Real Cancun in the theaters (produced by Bunim-Murray), and I loved it. So far, this season looks to be an unofficial sequel.

The first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special aired last night, and the predominant feeling was... eh? I knew it would be damn near impossible to live up to the televised nirvana that was The Last Supper director's cut hour from last week, but who knew this reunion would be so bland? There was hardly a scuffle, nary a shout, and barely a bitchy accusation. So far, it's shaped up to be the worst Housewives reunion of the year! And just when we started to get some drama, emcee wunderkind Andy Cohen told the ladies to stop and save it for later. WTF??? Nevertheless, I'm not sure there were any notable moments worth sharing. Let's see...

Hype = fulfilled.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

After weeks of anticipation, we finally got to see the epic brawl on The Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight, and it did not disappoint in the least. It was — as the kids say — O.O.C. (That stands for "Out of Control"). I'm telling you, there has never been a fight like this in Housewives, nay, Bravo history. There were lies, accusations, screams, and one unlucky tabletop that went falling to the floor. In short, it was amazing.

I finally caught the premiere episode of Top Chef Masters last night, and I actually liked it way more than I thought I would. I feared that it would dilute the brand — and the lack of Tom or Padma or Gail (not to be confused with Gael) — would cheapen the experience, but no, it was just fine. Hostess Kelly Choi seemed incredibly nervous in front of the camera as her face was often contorted into an uncomfortable scowl, but aside from her generally awkward and eye-flaring presence, everything seemed fine. The new judges were articulate and informed — even if I didn't quite trust Red Sweater's knowledge of tailgating food.

Earlier this week, MTV aired a Very Special episode of The Hills. Not only did it serve as Lauren Conrad's last appearance in the franchise as a regular cast member, but it also ushered in the newlywed era of Speidi, whose nuptials were documented for the world to see. And yes, it was all just as ridiculous as you could imagine. From the bridal shower to the rehearsal dinner to some frivolous scenes in between, there was much to laugh at over the course of this seminal hour. And let's not overlook the return of Krsitin Cavallari, on hand to save the series from the Conrad-free doldrums. It's great to have her back. I only hope she can reinvigorate this show the way she did Laguna Beach. Something tells me she has it in her.

It's official. I'm now loving The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's nowhere near as amazing and perfect as New York, but I think it can hold its own with the rest of the franchise. Last night's episode was compelling (in a trashy, shouldn't-be-admitting-it kind of way) but also very funny. Caroline remains my favorite of the group with her guarded, maternal instincts. During the dance lesson, I thought she'd come roaring off her little couch the moment Danielle put Christopher's hands on her hips. Let me tell you a something about Caroline: she does not like cougars around her cubs.

It's only been two weeks since we last saw The Real Housewives of New York City, but Bravo thankfully injected us with a dose of reality methadone last night with its much welcomed "Lost Footage" special. I like the New Jersey cast and all, but honestly, it would be impossible to top the insanity and excellence of New York's second season. As such, seeing the likes of Jill and Bethenny and Ramona and Kelly was like having an old friend come over for dinner. Nothing but good times and fond memories. Really, none of the casts have anything on these ladies. Not only are they a perfect maelstrom of cattiness, but they live and operate in much more fascinating circles.

I'm proud to report that The Real Housewives of New Jersey is starting to heat up a little. The first two episodes had been entertaining, but coming off the heels of a tumultuous RHONYC season, not to mention a spectacular two hour reunion imbroglio, it was hard to truly embrace these Jersey divas. Now, though, we're three shows deeps, and we're starting to get a sense of the characters. Caroline has emerged as my hands-down favorite housewife, with her sister Dina not far behind. Jacqueline is alright — a bit flaccid — but enjoyable for all the muck she somehow stirs up while simultaneously abdicating herself from any responsibility, and Teresa is sweet but horrendously tacky, offering up something a bit more appalling each week.

Last night we had our second dose of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and while they're not as gabby as their New York counterparts or as catty as the Orange County bitches, they're well on their way to being outlandish in a certain mafia-fabulous sort of way. At the forefront of that is Teresa, who continues to relish in marble infused gaudiness. Not only is her dream house decked out like the second coming of Leonard's, but everything she does oozes with nouveau riche excess. Take, for instance, the horrifying trip she took with her daughters to Jersey's premiere couture outlet, Bella Bambini. Those girls made Johan and François look like precious angels in comparison.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, after many marvelous weeks in the big city, the Real Housewives franchise has headed back to the 'burbs for its third spin-off, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I gotta tell you: it's showing lots of promise. So far, I don't really hate anyone yet, and while Danielle seems like a perfect candidate for Internet wrath, I had to respect the way she told off her would-be suitor, saying he should never talk to her again before adding "Or DIE!" Can we really hate that? I'm not sure. I also really liked the Manzo sisters, Dina and Caroline. The former mom (a.k.a.

These reunions just keep getting better. The Real Housewives of New York City descended on Wall Street last night for part one of their vociferous, catty showdown, and to say that tempers flared would be an understatement. Moderator Andy Cohen proved to be more inept than usual as he demonstrated a near inability to control the likes of Ramona, LuAnn, Jill, and all the other high strung ladies in attendance. He seemed visibly miffed at one point when Ramona pulled his cue cards out of his hands, and later he was totally flummoxed in his attempts to silence the action before the crew was the break for lunch.

A funny thing just happened: it's Monday afternoon, and I realized I haven't written anything about last week's episode of The Hills. Apologies all around. This in no way reflects the quality of the episode, which was highly amusing. Basically, it focused on girls being bitches to each other, and last time I checked, that's always grounds for good television. In one corner, we had Heidi going at it with Stacie the Bartender (again), and in the other corner, we had Audrina squaring off against Brody's collagen-injected lady friend, Jayde. Needless to say, many harsh words were had, bottles of Jagermeister chugged, and fun times had.

Bethenny: "Huh. I thought we were all wearing MURDER GLOVES tonight."

Sadness. The Real Housewives of New York City has drawn to a close for the season, and while there's two whopping helpings of reunion next week, it just won't be the same. The good news is that we got the Jersey girls just 'round the corner, and let's face it, Bravo has smartly developed this franchise in such a way that we really can go a full year without having any gaps in our Housewives fix; so really, what the hell am I complaining about? Nuthin'.

Oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. They don't get much denser than you now, do they? On last night's penultimate episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, we once again got a delightful smattering of Lady Bensimon idiocy, starting with her inability to grasp simple metaphors and ending with her bizarre refusal to acknowledge any of the nasty comments she had ever made to Bethenny. It was classic Kelly, and I once again spent most of the episode scratching my head and wondering if she really could be that awful?

The answer is yes. Yes she can.